$64,810.84

My daddy and my daughter, the look on his face is priceless, oh how he loved that little 5lb 10 oz bundle of joy!

My dad wasn't a dead beat dad, that's for sure. The title of the blog, that's the amount of money he paid in child support until May 1999, that's the last record I was able to find in his things. It's insane to even think about that much money. I'm lucky, I had two parents who loved us very much and both contributed to our well being. It would have been so easy for him to walk away and leave it all behind and not pay like so many dads do. My dad was a stand up guy and he paid every single cent that he was scheduled to pay.

It's amazing the things that he kept. He kept every single motion back and forth about custody of my brother and I. Every motion to modify child support or custody agreements. It must have been very important to him. It's interesting  to me to see how many times we went back and forth between two homes. He kept the bill for my braces that he paid $3178, think about how much braces have gone up in 10 years, holy cow!

He kept every single paper regarding his divorce and proceedings with my mother. It's insane! It's jogged my memory a lot about things that went on during those times. Some things that I had forgotten about or was so hurt by that I pushed deep down inside. It's quite sad to think about. It's sad to go back and think of all of those things. That said, he also kept a ton of cards from my mom to him. By keeping all of that, I'm guessing it was a very important time in his life. My opinion for what it's worth is that it was a portion of his life that shaped him as a person, as a man, as a husband, as a father.

He kept a card from my Grandma Mary that she sent on his birthday and it said she was "certain I would die from childbirth, I didn't". I laughed, especially now that I'm so close to giving birth to our third child. I never thought I would die from childbirth, I never thought the pain was that unbearable (although my husband and nurses might disagree!). I was always focused on the end result, getting that baby out quickly. Don't get me wrong there was pain and lots of it but I'm looking forward to childbirth one last time. I never talked with my Grandma about giving birth or what it was like during her days. Something now as a mother, I would be interested to find out.

It was interesting, I wasn't able to read every single thing he kept. I went through most of it, threw away some of it and kept what I wasn't ready to look through quite yet. There will be a point in time when I'm ready, right now, I'm strong enough to know that I'm not. I'm 31 1/2 weeks pregnant and now is just not the time. Too many emotions got stirred up just from the things I read and looked through today. I'm now at a point in my life when I know I need to draw the line with things, this is one of those "things".

Saying all that, I learned more about my dad. Things I wish we would have talked about when he was alive. It's too bad we didn't. Maybe our relationship would have been even closer than it already was. Maybe we would have known and understood each other on a deeper level. Today, I learned I love my dad more than I thought I did, which already immensely. I can't imagine the love that he felt for me because I know how much I love both of my children and this one growing inside of me. Thanks Dad, for paying what you paid, thanks for never walking away, thanks for enduring all you endured, thanks for saving all of the things that you saved, thanks for encouraging me to be the best me that I can be. I'm still working on that. I'm learning every day, I think of you each time I grow.